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Medical Ass-trology

Date: 05-Aug-2017

What prompted the Madhya Pradesh government to have special astrology OPD where astrologers will provide consultation for the patients, must have been a rare alignment of all the planets that symbolise ignorance.

Hippocrates must be turning in grave looking for his ink pot and quill. After centuries of resting in peace and guiding the behavior of every aspiring doctor, he now has to amend his oath to accommodate astrologers as well. He could not visualise this happening because he had no astrologer by his side.

“Thou shall abide by the diagnosis predicted by the astrologer.”

“Thou shall consult the astrologer for outcome of the treatment or surgery.”

“Thou shall pay the astrologer from own pocket and not charge the same from the patient.”

One positive aspect of the astrologers joining the divine forces and the powers with doctors is number of ailments or possible diagnosis, will come down drastically. Not because of efficiency of astrologers,but due to their lack of knowledge about the human anatomy and physiology. Thus,renal stone, ureteric stone and bladder stone shall all become urinary stones.

Child birth shall be governed by planetary configuration at the time of conception. Only input needed from parents shall be the exact time, latitude and longitude of the act. Position, I guess, is inconsequential. That information shall obviate the use of ultrasound and other such worldly equipment. Astrologer shall predict the day and type of delivery, gender of the baby and any birth defects. Any deviation from prediction shall be blamed on the wrong input by the parents. Google maps can be helpful in exacting the location coordinates – “you are here” marked with a red pin. Just make sure to have a right kind of watch to note the exact time.

It can save heaps of money for the patients who are predicted not to survive, they need not spend money on treatment. Same for the patients are predicted to survive even without treatment. That money can be pumped into opening new astrology schools and colleges. And while on saving money, both the curricula can be mixed. Thus, we can have extra subject of astrology in medical colleges or vice versa. I guess it would cost much less to add simple subject of medicine to the astronomical studies. We can put medical college infrastructure to some better use.

Parrots too can add unbiased angle to the whole gambit. They just need to pick the right card for any given patient. We can have parrots at the admission counter of every hospital to predict length of stay and the bill. It definitely will enhance the efficiency of the system. Patients can also be advised to add extra ‘a’ or ‘e’ or whatever, to their name to improve the outcome.

Till date, we have not heard about any astrologer’s office getting vandalised or mob violence against them. Doctors tend to be scientific while astrologers tend to take a person on a guilt trip. And a person on guilt trip is always a lamb. Doctors need not fear such episodes in future. In fact, fellow astrologer will pre predict the event and save the limb and life of the doctor. Window panes of the clinic included.

Patients, after consulting a palm reader might decide to have a second opinion from a face reader. Double faced people can end up having two different diagnoses. Diagnosis might be different with and without make up.  

Very soon people shall be doing ‘UPAY’ or remedies instead of treatment and medicines. Don’t be surprised to find a jaundiced patient doing some ritual at river bank and missing the rounds of the doctor. Patient with pain abdomen might be feeding some particular animal of a specific color to ensure digestion of his own food.

We live on earth and believe that it’s the other planets that shape our destiny. To me it seems like making an ass of ourselves – Medical Asstrology.

July 31, 2017.

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